Hello. I want to get help but I'm afraid. I want to go to a doctor but I know how my parents may react. My dad's a perfectionist and my mom would probably just ask me why I am depress or how am I depress. I love them both but when it comes to my feelings I know they wouldn't understand. I once asked my mom to get a check-up in psych but she just asked me "why" and I don't know how to answer it so I ended up saying, "Just to check if we're crazy."
I once went to our university's counselor and after opening up about my depression, I felt extremely anxious. It didn't felt good. It was a terrible experience for me. I mean, the counselor was great but talking about my feelings is never a great experience for me.
I know I have depression. I just want to be sure and be diagnosed for real. I just want to feel normal. I was planning to go to a hospital since they said there's a free diagnosis but I can't afford therapy or medication in case the doctor asks me to do any of it.
Also, I feel guilty for feeling these way. It's been almost 8 years since I started feeling this way but it worsened during my junior high school. My parents are great. They give us everything we need. They are both working hard. And I can't find a word to describe how I feel in front of them. I don't want them questioning whether they did something bad or if they lack something.
I'm sorry this is too long. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I've been craving help but I can't push myself to ask for it.
I want to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me but all I can see is a mess. And everyday, I just wish that it's my last. I'm just so tired.
Thomas 30 Oct 2019 21:35