I have questions about Journey of a Thousand Miles

by Ebony - 17 Feb 2020 02:27
 Ebony    17 Feb 2020 02:27
I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a little girl about age 8/9, I don’t remember much I just remember always being sad ,always crying my self to sleep or in general always feeling let out especially family wise I was treated different then my sister. I got bullied at every school I went to. Very suicidal as a kid and last year 2019. I attempted suicidal as kid I attempted running away. I never had a mom to call a mom she was around but very mentally abuse .. still to this day . She would always tell me I’m stupid, ( so do my siblings) worthless, to kill my self that I hope I find a man that beats me . I could go on with more horrible stuff but you get the point. I struggled in school from very young till now. I always had a leaning problem school was always hard for me I could never sit still. There may be a chance I had adhd/ add. and I never really had anyone growing up just my friends really. But recently I stopped being friends with my best friend of 11 years and it broke me completely I would have panic attacks thinking abut it I still to this day have a hard time dealing with it . I then had to cut off my other very close friend of 6 years. That really just took me of the edge while I lost my close friend I was in a veeeerrry toxic mental Abusive relationship. Which I got cheated on plenty of times. After that my depression got really really bad which at this point it’s beyond horrible. I can’t sleep, most times I don’t eat because I don’t have an appetite. The only time I get one is when I smoke (marijuana) I feel like that’s the only thing that makes me happy. It’s now turned into a addiction. I can’t go a day without it. Last year after all that happened I got anxiety which I never ever had. I can’t even put in to words how bad my anxiety has gotten . It’s like I can’t even normal human being stuff because I feel like I’m crazy. Every where I go I have it. Even at home and at work and I recently just stared college but I had no choice to stop going after only a week because my anxiety is SOOOO BAD. I can’t sit still, I get very anxious when people stare at me. Literally any Loud noise even a cough makes me jump or startled. A car honk, a door slamming. I’m now looking to dropping out because I can’t do it. Every where I go it’s affecting me really bad no matter what I do or how much I smoke. I feel like the only time I don’t have it is when I’m alone in my room. After everything I been thru I just feel like I haven’t been able to trust anyone or talk to anyone because anyone which lead me here today because I’m so drained I cannot even cope with this life anymore it’s like I’m a different person not in a good way a bad way . I’ve always dealt with being insecure due to having 4 years of acne which caused a bigggg role in my depression but as of recently I feeel really beautiful and I can sAy that I love my self but. The only thing stopping me now is all of this and I really lost and I don’t know what to. I’ve been keeping this a secret for more then a decade now I just feel so lonely and I know that I don’t have anyone which makes me feel 100x worse. I haven’t made any new friends after I cut everyone off because I really can’t trust anyone anymore. And I’m just tired I can’t live my life like this anymore . I did some research and I may have ptsd from all of what happened to me last year. I’m just really hoping to get the help I need so I can feel normal and live a normal life
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